Monday, May 20, 2024

A case for those who can’t keep their word

It was the famous Japanese scientist, Hitoshima Namaguchi, who said, “A nation is judged by its ability to keep her word”. Of course, no one can actually verify that he actually said this, as he was speaking in Japanese at the time. Also, there was this other small, perhaps unrelated matter. He was being doused in boiling water by his Chinese captors at the time of making this statement. Hitoshima, whose pet name was “Paapu”, died slightly after recording this iconic statement. Okay, let me clarify, he did not die slightly, he died completely, but it wasn’t because of the boiling water, it was in fact from some boiled raw vegetables he had consumed the night before. Another profound example of how eating vegetables is bad for you.

Now you may ask me is a nation really judged by its ability to keep its words? “My answer is, I don’t have time for your question, but I can give you an example of a person or persons who just can’t keep their word. Top of the list, just above the government and just below the watchmen, who promise you parking and then disappear, are “Interior Decorators”.

Now before I begin this outstanding lecture, which obviously will evolve into a ‘Ted’ talk eventually, let me first explain away all suggested topics suggested by our readers. For those who wanted me to throw light on the Donald Trump – Stormy Daniels controversy, I beg you for more time. At the moment, I’m still examining the evidence, which means I need to see all of Stormy Daniels Cinema. So far, I’ve watched only 21 of her movies, still got 27 to go.

For those of you who wanted me to examine the ‘Rahul Gandhi Suspension’, well, I can’t as yet. As the matter is sub judice. By which, I mean, as a one-year LLB, and the Congress’s dwindling ­­­­­­treasury, I may be retired as counsel, albeit cheap counsel, so, got to avoid that story, because of conflict of interest.

Firstly, let me clarify as per the Oxford dictionary’s sister publication ‘Singham Dictionary’s’ own finding, on the difference between an interior decorator and an interior designer. The difference of course is the designer is better looking. (I’m allowing space here for the editor to put in five famous interior decorators, and five famous interior designers to prove my point). (If they fail to do so, please send a stinker to the editor. After the stinker, also send a note asking for justice in this matter).

Now my story begins in 1971. Er… no that would be too far back, let’s start in October 2022. The wife, who wished not to be named, so I promised to call her ‘the wife’ instead of Ayesha, decided that I’m actually Kapil Sharma. Which means we are extremely rich. Which in turn means, we can redo our flat, because that’s what rich people in India do in between marriages. Please do note, dear reader, that I’m not really Kapil Sharma, and I survive from donations made by you to this newspaper column, so donate generously.

The wife, Ayesha, went and got a decorator, who was disguised as a designer, to work his magic. As an artist whose life is all about aesthetic, as evidenced in my book, The Principal of Aesthetic. (Yes, that’s the spelling, please don’t correct it), I asked the two art-defining questions, “ Kitna Hoga” (how much), and “How long will it take”? After laughing out loud for 27 minutes, the decorators said to speak to his contractor. The contractor had Covid, so he requested us to speak to his mother. Since, her wifi was down, we spoke to her ‘morning walk’ partner. His wife clarified that the sum would be enough to build both Trump Plaza and three Trump Hotels. As for how long? We were told two months. As we enter the sixth month, I feel my flat has become an extension of Mumbai’s Metro work. No end in sight. Also, the cost has gone up to two Trump Plazas, four Trump Hotels plus whatever Trump paid Stormy Daniels.

It is times like this when you wonder if killing your decorator would be an act of murder or a humanitarian gesture? Dear reader, if you can’t send money, at least send us a hug.

The writer has dedicated his life to communism. Though only on weekends.

#case #word

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